I made him a card that said 'heart attacks are just from loving too much.'

Is God an evil dwarf?

I did a book report on heart attacks if you wanna give it to the doctor. It got knocked down a whole grade because I did it in crayon.

Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

[God] makes me gay and then makes His followers go around saying it's a choice, as if I'd choose to be mocked every day of my life.

I don't believe in God, Dad. But I believe in you, and I believe in us.

I appreciate your thoughts, but I don't want your prayers.

Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.

I don't like people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style... I see God every time I make out with a chick.

Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, no matter how comforting, is cruel.

When I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God. Literally.

I sort of worship Eric Clapton and Ochocinco.

Her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs and I'd still like to touch them.

I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still allergic to your lustrous, ginger mane.

Mercedes: You get to wear a fabulous hat.
Kurt: You had me at fabulous hat.

He's the dumbest person on the planet, and that's coming from me.

I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I've been practicing nudging the meatball across the table with my nose.

He's on team gay. No straight boy does his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.

When you're different ... when you're special ... sometimes you have to get used to being alone.

I have three gifts: My voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle.

How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation.

I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or else I can't digest my food.

I'm with Rachel now. She's a lot shorter than Quinn and she talks a lot, but I love her.

I know you're lonely, but you're not alone.

Artie: You've never made eye contact with me.
Brittany: For awhile, I thought you were a robot.

Artie: I thought I was over someone, but I still think I have feelings for them.
Brittany: The Clintons?

Will: What's a duet?
Brittany: A blanket.

Rachel: I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.
Finn: Yeah. But I still like you.

Kurt: You have issues with me being gay.
Finn: No. I have issues with the fact that you don't understand that 'no means no.'

I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like Green Eggs and Ham.
Santana: He has no game.

Rachel: I think you and I are more similar than you think.
Kurt: That's a terrible thing to say.

Rachel: Hey, I have something I want to talk to you about.
Kurt: Please, not another pregnancy.

Becky: Give me some chocolate or I will cut you.

Unlike you, I believe in the powers of the arts. I don't use them to pick up other guy's chicks.

Don't Dream it, be it.

Ain't no carpool lane to sexy.

Children must know fear. Without it, they'll try Frenching grizzly bears or trying to live in Florida.

We've lost the true meaning of Halloween: fear.

People who dress like librarians? All sex addicts.

How did a production of Rocky Horror turn into my horror?

I have no idea what's going on in this script, and it's not in a cool Inception kind of way.

It always freaks me out to eat candy that someone else has touched.

Kurt: So what are you going to be for Halloween this year?
Brittany: I'm going as a peanut allergy

Finn: I don't need to hide behind my muscles.
Sam: Awesome. I think. Are you insulting me?

Brittany: I'm looking forward to seeing Sam in his gold bikini.
Sam: It's gonna be ab-ulous.

A little something something always leads to something more. I've been there, remember?

You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you.

There's no way I'm going back to juvee. There's no chicks and no Kosher meals in that place.

You really can't put a dollar amount on the combination of talent plus fear.

I don't pay for food. It's my thing, yo. We're gonna dine and dash.

Know what kind of disgusting images I'm gonna need to stare at now to get that out of my head? Gonna have to go to the wound care center. Gonna have to stare at some wounds.

You gotta show him who's the boss. Great. Now I picture them making out to an episode of Who's the Boss.

Watch your tone with me, missy. You crap on my leg. I'll cut it off.

Maybe I'll get a job as a cooler at a honky tonk bar. Maybe an ice road trucker.

You are a beautiful, amazing woman whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.

You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lessons plans are boring.

Beiste: You really think I'm pretty, Will?
Will: Inside and out.

Will: Coach Beiste quit?
Sue: I believe I just said that Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm.

Will: I'm not tossing the baby out with the bath water here.
Brittany: I've totally done that.

Puck: You two show up at Breadsticks tomorrow night around 7 and if we don't find hotter chicks to date, we might show up.
Santana: You are so cool.

Mr. Shue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "m" and "n." I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.

Mr. Schuester's set list makes it seem like he hasn't listened to the radio since the 80s.

At least I didn't fall and break my talent.

My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.

Why don't you go home, rest, die? It doesn't matter. Because as my first official act as principal, you are fired.

Lindsay Lohan is totally crazy, right?

Please get into groups and discuss how many times Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab.

When I showed this to Brittany, she whimpered and thought I cut down a small tree where a family of gummy people lived.

Holly: You're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?
Puck: I have.

Will: I thought we were friends.
Sue: That got boring.

Terri: I did really enjoy taking care of you when you're sick.
Will: That's because you like me best when I'm weak.
Terri: Maybe. That's what my therapist says.

We're gonna go to the hotel where they put up the guest stars on Lost.

Sue, you can't tame the tiger. You've read my tattoos.

I'll bet people say you look man-ish, but I think it's perfectly alright for a woman to be handsome.

My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac.

I will expel him faster than a Thai takeout place can read back a delivery order.

I just prefer to think of the homleess as outdoorsy. So shine on urban campers!

I can't suspend someone for shoving you into a locker. He'll just say he tripped and accidentally pushed you. I use that excuse all the time.

By the power invested in me by a website, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself.

This room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot dead skin.

When you guys fooled around, did he ever just lie there?

You're welcome to sing The Sound of Silence in your hotel room. Right now.

These galactic moguls aren't the stars of McKinley. We are. At least I want us to be.

Carol: We wanted the two of you to be the first to know.
Burt: Yeah, after the kids in that home room.

Finn: Are you sure we should free 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get messy?
Kurt: That's why we feed them glitter.

Kurt: When you call me "lady," that's bullying and it's really hurtful.
Sue: I'm sorry. I genuinely thought that was your name.

Santana: I'm dating Puck.
Quinn: You're getting naked with Puck.

I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really need to pee.

I know I'm more talented than all of you. Britney Spears taught me that.

All I can say is that I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I didn't do it alone.

You're a constellation of stars. I just hate to think you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as bright.

You used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now I feel like punching you every time you open your mouth.

You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.

Is the problem your outfit? You look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.

Rachel: Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger.
Puck: It's the steroids.

Rachel: You said you'd never break up with me.
Finn: I never thought you'd make me feel like this.

Artie: We all know you can do it.
Brittany: I know that I can't. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.

Finn: Are we a part of something special, you and me?
Rachel: Yes.
Finn: I love you.

Puck: Are you okay?
Rachel: Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?

I told my parents I only want one thing for Christmas this year: stop friending me on Facebook.

Last year I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation and an entire family of mice starting living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.

Remember: even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.

We won Sectionals two years in a row and, according to everyone, we still suck.

For me, the real joy of Christmas was breaking the collective heart of the glee club.

Will: I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue: No, I just hate you.

Will: How did you get in here?
Sue: I had a key made ages ago.

I don't wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill get canceled.

The glee club together with the football team, it's like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.

I bring Finn a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes we may have a little lady chat.

Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.

You're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay that you settle for being nothing.

As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.

Screw her. She put me on the bottom of the pyramid.

Brittany, please remind me how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map.

Brittany, here's a note for you. Hand-written and in crayon. From the human canon, saying how much it misses you.

No time for a fourtime, ladies. The bus leaves in five.

Funny, Karofsky, how you call everyone gay all the time. But you never seem to have a girlfriend.

Katie Couric: You beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, Dina Lohan... and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and, apparently, also a loser. How do you deal with that?
Sue: I've been drinking a lot of bleach.

Will: Do you trust me?
Beiste: You're not gonna try and kiss me again, are you?

Finn: We used to be best friends.
Puck: Before I got your girlfriend pregnant and made out with your other girlfriend.

Sue: This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
Figgins: But the risk and danger isn't to you.
Sue: That's the best part.

Santana: I'm torn.
Brittany: I'm not. I'm Brittany.

Puck: Are you ready for this?
Rachel: LETS KICK SOME ASS!!!!

Will: Rachel have you ever seen a tackle football game? When they tackle, it hurts.
Puck: And not in a good, Mellencamp kind of way.

Brittany: I'm gonna die.
Santana: I'll be worth it.

That's my man and his legs don't work!

I've cheated twice in my life. The first time, I got pregnant. The second time, I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but there are two lessons I learned the hard way. One: never punch a cop. The other one: you can't choose love. Love chooses you.

Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me, like my mom. Maybe I just dig a chick with curves.

I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might mistake her for the endangered White Rhino.

Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something.

All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me, you're staring at her.

I know she is. It meant so much to me that you chose me over her. Girls like me don't get chosen over girls like her very much.

Tina: Oh, yeah.
Mike: That's my ear!
Tina: I love it. I like it.

Jeremiah: No one here knows I'm gay.
Kurt: Can I be honest? Just, with the hair? I think they do.

Finn: Pervert?
Sam: I'd prefer "chaperone," and also "boyfriend. "

I wore a tanktop today because I thought it was summer and no one taught me how to read a calendar.

Rachel, im gonna give you some tough love right now. You're not a trendsetter. When people look at you, the dont see what you're wearing, the see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.

Most teachers think that by cutting class, I might improve my grades.

I didn't kiss Finn, Sam. I saved his life.

If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the rest of the world the finger.

There's only one "i" in diva, Rachel. And that "i" is me.

Dude, that haircur makes your mouth look even bigger.

Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you?

As our team leader and arbiter of all that is good, I must say: I don't think that song is good enough for regionals.

I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.

I hate hospitals, William. That's why I kept voting for those death panels.

If I hear one song from that classic rock outfit journey, I will start pulling catheters.

My dad always said there were two ways to get a girl to love you: take her hunting, and rock n roll.

Who is more rock n roll than Justin Bieber? No one. That's who.

Sue's journal: I'm committing Sue-icide.

I've gotta get that girl on the Cheerios.

I'm giving you full visitation rights to the twins that reside on my rib cage.

I wants on them froggy lips, and I want on them NOW.

Despite the fact that your mouth to face ratio is way off, you still somehow manage to be cute.

Will: Who can tell us what an anthem is?
Brittany: The bottom of an ant's pant.
Will: So close.

Brittany: What is that look called?
Rachel: Sexy school girl librarian chic.

Rachel: Why are my leg warmers on your arms?
Brittany: I got cold.

Puck: We underestimated the power of the Biebs.
Mike: He's clearly a mini God.

Puck: Can I touch your knockers now?
Lauren: Only if you wanna lose your hand. But you're on your way.

Sue: Where's the hate?
Will: Not the point of glee club, Sue.

Sam: That's my James Earl Jones impression.
Santana: That is offensive. He shot Martin Luther King.

Ke$ha has been a culture icon for weeks.

Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel normal.

Being thrown up on, it just does something to a person.

It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink!

Brittany, remember the rules: no sitting on anything!

Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world.

You know what, a reminder, I own that guppie mouth. Those aerosmith lips belong to me!

It's kinda like nursing a POW back to health so he's at his strongest when you torture him.

I suggest you pre-actively check into rehab, as you are a future alcoholic.

Not to be alarmed, doctors say he will be fine, provided he can get the swelling in his brain under control.

I used to drink a lot when I was their age, mostly to deal with Terri.

Kurt's been blackmailing me every since he saw my browser history.

You ain't lived until you seen me in a cowboy hat!

I love hearing about the glee club, but I'm actually more interested in you.

And now, performing the hit song Tik and also Tok, by rapper Ke and dollar sign ha, New Directions.

Your face tastes awesome.

I rode a bull and was thinking of you.

Finn: What about after we win Nationals?
Will: I'll buy the sparkling cider.

Quinn: I hate you did to my body! I use to have abs!
Puck: Hey!

Quinn: There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black now.
Brittany: That's so racist.

Finn: It's not emotional or good or...
Rachel: It sucks.
Finn: Yeah.

Rachel: I've never even had a drink.
Finn: Seriously? No wonder I never got past second base.

Rachel: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt: A sentiment expressed by many a hag by many dating a gay.

Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter. Because you matter, Kurt.

The key is to use your curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from being burnt.

I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.

Once on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack. And I'm about 90% sure it's still there.

I like wooing you, Lauren. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it's my second favorite part of my day.

I made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was in the shape of a person.

Picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot.

So just remember whenever you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with. And everybody’s got a random

Sex. It's just like hugging. Only wetter.

It's not about who you are attracted to ultimately, it's about who you fall in love with.

My lips are sealed. Just like your legs... see, a real doctor would never have said that.

I'm off to have CRAZY sex. Because I'm CRAZY informed about it. Kidding.

Celibacy is a viable option... for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster.

A nooner is when you sneak out for desert in the middle of the day... right?

Celibacy, ladies! Dig it.

We watch the Housewives shows, which are racy. So, so racy.

It's like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions.

Will: I'm not following.
Holly: It's Jazzercise, Will. It really isn't that hard.

Will: Right now, I'm the president of the Celibacy Club.
Holly: That's a waste of some fine man butt.

Lauren: Puckerman, it's your lucky day.
Puck: You're finally gonna let me motorboat those twins?

Brittany: I really like when we make out and stuff.
Santana: Which isn't cheating because?
Brittany: The plumbing's different.

Santana: Breakfast makes you confused.
Brittany: Sometimes it's sweet, sometime it's salty. What if I have eggs for dinner? What is that?

How damaged does a guy have to be to be into some as annoying as Rachel?

Prom queens live, on average, five years longer than regular people. Probably because they smile all the time.

If you keep looking for that happy ending, you are never gonna get it right.

Sometimes I don't feel like we're The Warblers. I feel like we're Blaine and the Pips.

You blew me off to be with Stubbles McCripplePants.

You took away my Cheerios. Continue this the opening salvo of World War Sue.

I didn't sleep with that drummer. The drummer I slept with was from Jimmy Eat World.

I Twittered that Obama was a terrorist... I had to, it's a fact.

Hello, Tweedle Stupid, Tweedle Fake Boobs.

Kurt: I just really wanted to win.
Blaine: You did win. So did I. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?

Will: What's everyone's favorite song?
Brittany: "My Headband."

Finn: Break a leg.
Rachel: Last time we were here you told me you loved me.

Rachel: He chose me over you.
Quinn: And how long did that last for?
Rachel: Why are you being so mean?

Blaine: We should practice.
Kurt: I thought we were.

Rachel: He chose me over you.
Quinn: And how long did that last for?
Rachel: Why are you being so mean?

Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice. We bribed her with Dots.

This hairline is 85% my own and my sperm count is off the charts.

Let me tell you something about Will Schuester. That guy has tiny baby hands. Seriously, it's weird. Once I saw him try and pick up a Big Mac, he couldn't do it. He had to eat it layer by layer. Teeny, tiny, wee baby hands.

You're always singing about R.E.S.P.E.C.T. but respect isn't something you can ask for, you have to demand it.

Also, I have a razor blade in my hair.

Sandy how do you manage to enter a building without setting off all of the fire alarms?

You're hunky and I'm what they call predatory gay.

I had giant hands so a lot of people thought I was a hermaphrodite but that wasn't true. Other people said that I was a Nazi sympathizer, that was true.

At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret?

Blaine: We could have handled that.
Santana: It was more fun doing it together.

Will: What do you think about my Taffy sale plan to send the brainiacs to Detroit?
Holly: I think its as terrible has the word Brainiac. Listen, you let that crazy ex-wife of yours mess with your brain and now you think you can't dream.
Will: Well, what's your idea?
Holly: A night of neglect.
Will: That actually sounds like life with my ex-wife.

Because you're Lebanese and I'm bi-curious?

I do love you. Clearly you don't love you, as much as I do, otherwise you'd put that shirt on and dance with me.

Kurt Hummel Is Back At McKinley!

I don't believe in denying who you are, but I don't believe in outing either.

A Latina Eve Harrington. OK if you are going to be gay you simply must know who that is.

At this school the thing that makes you different is the thing that people use to crush your spirit.

I just want to talk to you, one hot jew to another.

It's less Hebraic and more Fabray-ic.

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her.

I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing. I have awesome gaydar.

Look I'm not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top either. Maybe in junior college.

The only straight I am is straight up bitch.

I'm sure that Sam has been to the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reductions.

I have so much more free time now that there are four hands polishing all of my fruit.

Rachel: Is she here?
Kurt: This is a mall in Ohio!

Quinn: I respect you. I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I own it and you just do it.
Lauren: I have to admit. I have considered going blonde.

Santana: You really need to be more careful with your leering.
Karofsky: I was just checking out what kind of jeans he was wearing.
Santana: Like that's any less gay.

You're the hottest girl in school and I wear saddle shoes on legs that don't work.

Lord Tubbington is allowed to eat cheese because he's on Atkins.

Oh how I've missed your insanity.

We need you Sam and you need the music.

I'm pretty sure that barista is onto me. Now I'm Ann Coulter. As you may have noticed, I'm coming slightly unhinged.

You know what they say? Those who can't, teach. Turns out, maybe you actually can. Think about that the next time you prop your butt chin up on one of those little toilets.

Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you would try to steal all of my gold.

My all white production of The Wiz was a disaster.

Well Mama drinks her dinner these days.

Brittany: Just because I'm giving you this interview doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you. I know you started smoking again.
Lord Tubbingtons: (Looks away)

Santana: My private feelings.
Brittany: What about him?
Santana: He's just furniture. Sorry, no offense.

So, I don't have a date. I'm just going to dance. Then all your dates are going to ignore you and come dance with me. So your dates are really my dates.

I'm going to go to prom by myself and really work on me and dance with other people's dates.

This is really confusing because this is a chicken's house.

Where does Lauren keep your balls?

I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship.

I have no criticisms, go with God Satan. Santana.

I would like to graduate high school knowing how to make some sort of pate.

They can't touch me. They can't touch us.

Eat your heart out Kate Middleton.

Torah Torah Torah! It's go time!

All I ask is that whomever I choose, that you be as supportive of him as I've been of you and Quinn even though I'm dying everyday inside.

Prom is like our Oscars.

You suck so bad Quinn Fabray I won!

As soon as we get to New York I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony, or Tribeca.

Now we can get all HMO up in your Glee hole or you can tell me who put you up to spiking the punch bowl.

Dude that rocks, it's like gay Braveheart!

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 prom queen, Kurt Hummel.

Will: We're performing at prom.
Rachel: I'm doing Run, Joey, Run!

Lauren: I look like a lemon meringue pie.
Brittany: I think you look delicious.

Santana: Just because I hate everyone doesn't mean they have to hate me too.
Brittany: It's just a stupid crown. You can buy it at the Party Store.

Burt: I looked liked Tony Orlando.
Blaine: Was that a designer?

Can I please be in Glee Club Mr. Schue? I just want to belong.

Jesse maybe you can come on Fondue For Two and judge my cat?

You kind of sing and dance like a zombie who has to poop.

That's sweet, you remembered the masculine click of my designer boots.

Do you know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a performance? They use them as a prop, like Weekend At Bernie's.

I make my living singing girl songs.

She may be difficult, but boy can she sing. Bravo!

So much has changed. I didn't have my bangs, I'd never had a boyfriend and I still had a tiny layer of baby fat.

Honey Badger I am lactating with rage!

I'm gonna stop you right there Becky. Have you ever heard of menopause?

When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them. And now everytime I reach for that tether I know there's no one on the other end and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness.

Wow Will, that's a lot of vests.

Sue: Your nickname is Panda Express.
Howard: But I'm not Chinese.
Sue: Neither is the food at Panda Express.

You know, we used to be like the Three Musketeers, and now Santana and I are like Almond Joy, and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.

As my future husband Robert Pattinson always says, "It's refreshing to get new blood."

Finn and Rachel's "The Kiss That Missed" already has 20,000 views on YouTube, and the comments section is just full of pithy banter like "Why is that T Rex eating the Jew?"

People who call themselves "artists" think the rules don't apply to them. It's so arrogant.

No one ever became a star by playing it safe.

Ladies, I put plastic on your chairs in anticipation of this announcement, so feel free to wet your selves with excitement.

These pianos were repossessed from foreclosed homes. They're cast-offs,
just like all of us. Used, in need of repairs. But they're still capable of making beautiful music.

I have self-diagnosed Asperger's, so I can pretty much say whatever I want.

Her ears should get to park in my handicapped spot.

You're a washed-up Broadway wannabe who's stuck in Lima and has led the Glee Club to how many National wins? Oh, I'm sorry, zero. Not Asperger's!

Тhe Glee Club is not, and my cool factor can't withstand it, all right? My rep is in free fall.

Jacob: I thought you were a senior.
Artiе: Optical illusion. The chair adds a year.

Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra.
Santana: Those are your nipples.

Blaine: You're quiet.
Kurt: No. I'm being passive-aggressive.

I developed my whole persona around conflict avoidance.

I really want to give you a standing ovation.

You're gay. You're not like Rock Hudson gay. You're really gay. You sing like Diana Ross and you dress like you own a Magic Chocolate Factory.

A unicorn is sebody who knows they're magical, and isn't afraid to show it.

I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn. Either way, I'm starting to believe in my won magic.

We're gonna call it Kurt Hummel's bulging pink fun sack.

I just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check. Wipe away!

First a few demands. I need thrift store couches under the bleachers. I've realized that after smoking all day it hurts to stand.

I haven't had a drink since we talked. Except beer. And I did some research. Napoleon? Turns out not just a dessert. He was a real dude.

You look like a Real Housewife of Reno.

I'm gonna be emotional defcon 1 until they release the results for the musical. So I'm gonna be more self-centered than usual.

I just got a text from Becky, replete with hilarious auto-corrects.

You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long do you plan on playing the victim card?

First step to becoming an adult, stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child.

In college, I was in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. I played the Forum.

I need to catch up on My Strange Addiction episodes and your voice has this nasally quality I can only take so much of.

She's Jewish. But I think that helps with the whole Puerto Rican thing.

Are you still at freakishbonyginger@gmail?

First, smoking kills. Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn't it?

Brittany :Out of all the kids at the school, I think that you are the biggest unicorn.
Kurt: I'm sorry?
Brittany Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn, and he, he becomes a unicorn, and he poops out cotton candy, until he forgets he's magical. And then his horn falls off. And black unicorns, they becomes zebras.

Teacher: What's the capitol of Ohio?
Brittany: O.

Kurt: I don't know what to say.
Brittany: That happens to me all the time. I just hope my mouth and dust comes out.

I wanted toned down.
Santana: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

He's never late. He runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China.

Know what, Rachel? Hug me after I get the part.

My alarm clock went off 30 minutes late. Sort of reshifted by whole schedule.

When I see you dance, it's why I fell in love with you.

Enjoy your enormous bowl of disgusting creamy pasta.

This is one of the hardest decisions of my life. And that includes when i had to sell one of my prize donkeys to pay my gas bill.

Ballet improves your coordination, it improves your IQ and it gets half the NFL on Dancing with the Stars.

I will pretend like an ovarian cyst burst. Works every time.

You cannot call your future president an "idiot." It's mean, it's bullying and I won't accept it.

Beth is perfect. She's my perfect thing.

What really makes my nipple ring twitch are the cougars.

I love everything about America, especially NASCAR, your hot black President and the Victoria's Secret catalog.

You can't cancel the musical. I was considering changing my name to Maria.

I have one final wish, Leprechaun. Would you do this whole school a favor and just disappear?

If this nation wants to impress its future Chinese overlords, we need to get our priorities straight.

Know what has no expiration date, voters? My rage.

Why it isn't Porcelain's dad, who may or may not have a baboon heart?

In America, dudes don't ask other dudes to be friends. Except on Facebook. But even then it can take years.

Kurt: She could have a field day with this whole gay son thing.
Burt: I'm proud of you, Kurt. Don't care who knows it.

Brittany: Of course not.
Finn: You're not quitting New Directions?
Brittany: Oh, I thought you meant the Selena Gomez pregnancy rumors.

Santana: I wanna talk about the thing that we never talk about.
Brittany: That Sour Patch Kids are just Gummy Bears that turned to drugs?

Will: Sue's pom-pom budget is $4,000/month.
Sue: You can't put a price on cheer, William.

Do you ever think we're playing it too safe by not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the Equator?

Your dreams are not dead. You've just grown out of them.

I don't know who this Blaine guy is, but I hear he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream.

Santana: Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed.
Tina: Santana, that is not cool.
Santana: Oh, what? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth. Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out-of-breath sack of potatoes that someone soaked in body spray.

Karofsky: I'm what they call a Bear Cub.
Kurt: Because you look like Yogi?

Artie: Have you just not found the right... person?
Beiste: Guy. I like guys.

Rachel Berry is still on Myspace.

Stop the violence.

I always thought of Beth as an accident, but she's no accident.

Vote Hummel for McKinley, vote for Kurt.

Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps the Clown.

Excuse me, the leader? Who died and made you queen Aretha?

It's not personal Porcelain, it's politics.

I'm Sue Sylvester, I have a human heart and I approve this message.

Rachel: I just really want to be your friend again.
Kurt: Well maybe you should have thought of that before you walked all over me on your borderline sociopathic climb to the top.